Why do people give unsolicited advice?

Duration: 50 minutes.

When someone offers their opinion on what you could be doing differently, it can sometimes feel like criticism.

In some situations, the advice-givers aren’t judging you, but feeling defensive can make the advice feel like criticism. Other times, the advice-giver absolutely is judging you and your feelings are spot-on. Plus, stress can be compounded if the advice-giver takes offence if their advice isn’t welcomed and followed. When the advice doesn’t feel right to you, or you reject it, this can put you in a difficult position and create frustration and even resentment on both sides.

Here are five idioms about advice, each with a definition and an example:

Idiom	Definition	Example
Give someone a piece of your mind.	To express one’s opinion or criticism frankly and forcefully.	I’m going to give my boss a piece of my mind about the way he’s been treating me lately.
Take something with a pinch of salt.	To be sceptical of something or not to take it too seriously.	I wouldn’t trust everything that guy says. Take it all with a pinch of salt.
Play it by ear.	To make decisions or act according to the circumstances as they arise.	We don’t have a plan yet, so let’s just play it by ear and see what happens.
Put in one’s two cents.	To offer one’s opinion or advice, even if it may not be wanted or necessary.	I know you didn’t ask for it, but let me put in my two cents about your situation.
Go against the grain.	To do something that is unconventional or contrary to popular opinion.	I know it’s not what everyone else is doing, but sometimes you have to go against the grain to succeed.

The following are some common helpful and unhelpful reasons people are compelled to give unsolicited advice.

It’s difficult to know what to do with unsolicited advice, it helps to examine where it might be coming from.

Helpful motives.

Whether the advice fits with your values or specific situation, these motives generally feel better than others. Here are some positive things that motivate people to offer unsolicited advice.

Altruism

Often, people offer advice simply because they think they can help, and they want to make your life easier. Their motives are altruistic. Perhaps there’s something they think would work perfectly with your situation or personality, and they make suggestions on how to improve your life or reduce your stress, especially if you’re talking to them about a problem.

Friendliness

Sometimes a stranger offers unsolicited advice as a way to start a conversation. Or a friend gives advice to forge a connection. Friends typically assume they can help you by offering a solution, even if you didn’t ask for one. This type of advice is well-meaning and can often be helpful at times.

Less-helpful motives.

These motives, though generally harmless, can feel less positive and helpful. Sometimes this advice is relevant to your situation, but often times it’s not.
Here are some examples of advice given with less-than-helpful motives.

Neediness

Sometimes people offer unsolicited advice out of their own neediness. While they may have a lot of knowledge in a certain area that pertains to your situation, their motivations for sharing are all wrong—they’re not doing it for you, but for themselves. Instead of being altruistic, they share their advice in order to feel valued, powerful, and important.

Helplessness

Sometimes, when you’re sharing your feelings and frustrations with a friend, they are motivated to help you solve your problem and may view you as helpless. If you’re truly looking for help, great. But if you just wanted a supportive ear or a little validation, you may need to communicate that it’s all you’re looking for. Many people can’t tell the difference between sharing and seeking advice, so they always default to advice giver.

Very unhelpful motives.

These motives have more to do with the advice-giver than with you. They can sometimes feel like a subtle snub or a slap in the face, and leave you with an uneasy feeling, even if you don’t know why. In fact, people who are motivated by this type of advice-giving could be considered emotionally abusive.

Narcissism

Some people—particularly those with narcissistic tendencies—need to be in the role of “teacher” virtually all the time. Or perhaps they just like to hear themselves pontificate. Their advice is often long-winded and not always appropriate to your situation. Likewise, their advice tends to be more about them than you.

Dominance

Healthy relationships are based on give and take. Some advice-givers want to take the role of “more knowledgeable person” in the relationship dynamic. Giving advice puts them in that position. If you find that you have an advice-giver in your life who is always putting themselves in a position of authority over you, it’s time to take a closer look at the relationship.

If you don’t want someone’s advice, you could say something like:

Photo by Sharon Waldron on Unsplash